Batman: Super Hero or Super Zero?

So February 5, 2010 marks the premiere of the new Smallville episode "Absolute Justice". A 2-hour event with the most costumed heroes to be featured on a Smallville episode. Superman! Green Arrow! Doctor Fate! Martian Manhunter! Hawkman! And More!

------------------------------- - So excited!!!

And as I lay in my lounge chair smoking my blunt and pondering this new Smallville episode, I finally realized...Batman is pretty f***ing useless. It's pretty sad knowing that his most impressive abilities are throwing boomerangs and making unnecessarily guttural growling sounds while attempting to talk.

----------------------------- WHERE IS HE!!!

I mean, what could Batman possibly do that any other member of the Justice League can't do? He has no powers! No magic rings! No super abilities! Take any member of the Justice League and substitute them for Batman in a Batman comic. Did you do it? Fast right? The story probably ended after three pages.

Joker's about to kill the mayor! Oh wait, Superman just flew in, caught the bullet, and literally froze the Joker to the ground using his Ice-Breath. (Which has yet to be featured in a Smallville episode.)

Commissioner Gordon has been kidnapped? Where could he be? Oh wait, the Flash just found him after searching every building in Gotham City in about .74 seconds.

Get the picture? Why is Batman even a part of the Justice League? Even some of the less-then-glamorous heroes are more useful then him. Hawkman, for example, can fly.

------------------------------- Can Batman Fly?


------------------------- No. He's falling with style.

Aquaman is best friends with Jaws and the Loch Ness Monster! What's Batman gonna do for back-up? Call the 12 year old boy in green underwear that he has living in his basement? (And now you know why Batman isn't allowed within 200 feet of any school in Gotham City.)


If this is your idea of "back-up" then you have a serious problem.


John Henry Iron's battle armor is so souped up he makes the Bat-Suit look like a bullet proof vest. Oh wait, the Bat-Suit practically IS a bullet proof vest. Can someone please tell me why Batman hasn't died yet?! I don't care who you are, you cannot run around in a tricked-out Kevlar vest throwing boomerangs in the middle of gang-land and expect to live.

Wow. This has certainly become quite a rant. So I know there are going to be a lot of angry people who read this blog...so please leave a comment or two. I'm a comic book geek so I LOVE to argue. I also love flamingos. And sexy Asian chicks. If you have any please feel free to leave some of them too.

Live long and prosper true believers.